At times I want to let loose and go wild...but my conscience dictates that I must behave
At times I want to put people in their place...but my conscience tells me not to be evil
At times I want to quit my job...but my conscience tells me that I can't be a rolling stone
At times I want to shout at the top of my lungs...but my conscience orders me to keep quiet
At times I feel that something better is out there for me...but my conscience says, "first, you must cut your teeth"
At times I need to get close to somebody...but my conscience whispers "don't get too close for comfort"
At times I want to go away on my own...but my conscience informs me that I'm not independent
At times I feel the need for intimacy...but my conscience replies "you're not even close with anybody"
At times I feel alone...and my conscience snaps back, "well, who isn't?"
At times I want to disappear...but my conscience questions, "but where will you go?"
At times I'm really happy...but my conscience mocks me, "It will never last"
At times I feel like I can do anything...and my conscience urges me on
At times I feel very brave...but my conscience snaps be back to reality
At times I know I am loved...but my conscience tells me to name those who love me, and I can't think of that many
At times I want to speak my mind...but my conscience matter of factly answers, "you dont have anything important to say"
At times I feel time is moving so fast and I can't breathe...but my conscience tells me, "that's what happens when you live in the city"
At times I ask myself why I didnt do the things I wish I had done...and my conscience tells me, "you don't have the balls to follow through with your plans"
At times I feel bored with my life...and my conscience replies, "thats because you don't do anythin exciting"
At times I feel impatient...and my conscience answers, "thats because you are young"
At times I feel old...and my conscience tells me that I'm thinking too much

Last night, I got into a fight with my Dad. But before I elaborate any further, let me give you the backstory first. For the past week, one of our cars has been in repair, so naturally, we could'nt use it. Since all of us in the family drove to work, a car in repair meant one of us would not be able to drive and would thus have to ride to work with the others. That meant that I would have to ride to work with my Dad. This wasnt really a problem for me since I regularly rode to school with my Dad back when I was in college. He would drop me off in the MRT station and I would be on my way. Going home, I would take the MRT back and he would pick me up in the mall or some pre-agreed location. Ever since I started working, our set-up changed and I was hitching a ride with him less frequently. So yesterday was really no different from the past days.

I got off from work last night a bit later than usual. I informed my dad of this ahead of time by texting him. Texting was another part of our usual set-up. Text if you get to the office, text if you're about to leave the office, text if you're gonna be late. So I did this minor task and went about my work at the office. I left the office at around 6:40. Now if you knew my family, then you would you that we have a pretty much time-bound structure. Leave work by 6, get home by 7, have dinner by 7:30, and so on. Naturally, since it was almost 7, and I was still in the office, then our schedules would have to get moved back. But since I informed my Dad ahead of time, I thought that there wasnt really gonna be a problem. But if you knew me, you would know that one of my major pet peeves is being late. As much as possible, I didnt want to go home late or be late for that matter. So I tried my best to hurry home from work. Instead of walking to the train station, which I normally did when I leave on time, I tried to take a cab. But since the traffic during rush hour was terrible, I ended up walking anyway. So I walked to the train station, took the MRT, and was pleasantly surprised to find out that I wasnt that late. Initially I was 40 minutes late in leaving but I managed to cut it down to 25 minutes when I got to my destination.

Now another back story. Last monday, when I was again fetched by my dad, he picked me up at a place we never pre-agreed on in the morning. As I told you earlier, we usually have agreed pick-up points. So here I was, coming from the MRT, taking my leisurely walk to our agreed upon pick-up point in the mall, when suddenly my dad gives me a ring to tell me to go to another location, and to hurry up because he was waiting in a no-waiting zone! This naturally caught me off-guard, so I hurried to the new pick-up point. This location did turn out to be a no-waiting zone, and whats worse, the stoplight just turned green. So the car was keeping the traffic from moving. So I jogged to the car and opened the door, and once I stepped in, my dad said, "You better hurry up, we might get caught by the police because its a no-waiting zone." Why did he frickin have to wait in the no-waiting zone in the first place! Let me mention that another pet peeve of mine is being inconvenienced by getting on or getting off places you're not supposed to. For example, having to get off the car when you're in the middle of the road during a stoplight, or getting on a car while its moving because the area is a no-loading zone. I really, really abhor doing this because in these instances, i'm not in control of the situation and there are other external factors that add to the tension like the cars behind you are honking like crazy, or that traffic enforcer is giving you the look that you did something wrong and is itching to pull you over. But since I was in good spirits last Monday, I let this one slide.

Back to yesterday. My dad did it again. He texted me that he was in another location and that I should hurry up since it was again, a no-waiting zone. Already feeling irritated, because I was late, and I was tired from work, and I had to walk like crazy to get home, I called him up to tell him that I was already near our agreed location. My damn phone didnt cooperate with us last night as well, as I couldnt receive any calls and automatically rejected whoever calls me. As it turned out, both of us were already irritated because he tried to call me twice to no avail. So I was walking to the new pick-up point when suddenly this car honks at me from nowhere, and its our car, right in front of the stoplight that just turned green. This wasnt even the location and my dad is there, honking at me to get in the car, with the other cars behind us impatiently honking their horns. So the pressure and tension of the situation just reached an all-time high at that point, and everything went haywire. Horns honking all around, green light glaring, I ran to the car, opened the front door, turns out my brother was there, closed the front door, opened the back door, closed the door on my Ipod earphones and left it dangling right outside the car. I just completely lost it afterwards!! I started cursing under my breath and tugging on my earphones to no avail. This was when all hell broke loose. I engaged into an intense shouting match with my Dad that lasted about 2 minutes. I think that this was the first heated argument that i've had with him in a long while, and probably one of the worst.

My emotions got the best of me, and I regretted doing it afterwards. But if you knew me well, I have a lot of pride in myself, and you wouldnt get me to apologize that easy, especially when I know I'm right. In this case, I think my reasons for blowing my top off was right. In case you beg to disagree. I think I share the same trait with my Dad in this aspect. But the good thing is, I did feel guilty afterwards, and I felt my anger dissipate. I've been trying to practice anger management lately by trying to stop my anger immediately. It worked to certain extent last night as I didnt feel any more anger once I got home. But the sad thing is, I still havent spoken to my dad since last night. Theres no anger, I think its just pride taking over at this point. Plus think he was also shocked at my outburst last night. I always believe that a child has no right to get mad at his parents. And God knows how much I love my parents and put them in high esteem. But sometimes, these arguments can be healthy, I think.

This post has rambled on forever. I just had to get this out of my system. I want to have a good day today.

Delusions of Grandeur

I went to Punta Fuego in Batangas over the weekend. That place is hands down the most elitist, exclusive, and high-class location I have been to in the Philippines. I was drooling with envy at the sight of the houses that stood there. These are'nt your usual Ayala Alabang, Forbes Park mansions that seem to look the same as you get to see more of them. These were modern structures that could very well be an architect's wet dream. Imagine a 4 storey house atop a cliff, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. As I pass by nice house after spectacular house after orgasm inducing house, I wonder what the owners of these properties did for a living? And what good deeds did they do in their previous life for them to enjoy such good fortunes today? As much as I would like to own a property in this enclave someday, I think that this feat would be next to impossible unless I undergo a drastic change in my life. What options do I have? There's me becoming a teeny bopper actor with hordes of pre-pubescent female groupies. Or maybe entering a kidnap for ransom / carnapping syndicate. Or becoming a high-class prostitute to the filthy rich. Or winning the lottery with a 100 million peso jackpot. Either way, a change has got to happen.

Debunking Da Vinci

I saw The Da Vinci Code over the weekend. I must say that although it wasnt the best movie ever made, I was pleasantly surprised at what I saw, and I was actually entertained. I've read reviews that the movie was dragging for the most part and lacked the action that made the book a best-seller. On this premise, I beg to disagree. I thought that the movie adaptation of the Da Vinci Code was one of the more faithful adaptations from book to screen since The Lord of the Rings. The movie won't get any better unless you made some drastic changes from the book. And regarding the bit that it was boring because of the convoluted dialogue, it was all necessary, otherwise those who had read the book would have felt shortchanged. I think that the flashbacks that were used in the film were also a good touch. Seeing the trebuchets and the battle scenes made me think that I was watching a sword and sandal epic. In my opinion, these devices were very necessary. Another aspect that I loved about the movie was the musical score. Now that is my kind of music! I found it very moving and riveting, especially during the end when Robert Langdon reached the end of the Rose Line. The locations were another point I enjoyed in the movie. I'm gonna have to start planning for my trip to the Louvre and Rosslyn Chapel. When I go to Europe, i'm planning to have the whole Da Vinci experience!

Now what's the point of all the bad press this movie is getting?! I think its pointless that various groups have been trying to stop this movie from being shown in theaters just because it may corrupt one's faith. For God's sake, this is just a frickin movie!! I don't think this movie can corrupt faith, I've seen other films and shows that had a better chance of doing so. The book had been written and had been a best-seller more than a year ago, millions have read it. I did'nt notice a crisis of faith happening during that time, why would it be any different now? Does that mean less faithful, easier to corrupt individuals will be watching the movie? I happened to chance upon a talk show last night that discussed the implications of the film. One of the guests said that most Catholics/Christians have been conditioned to be Catholics/Christians since birth, and it would take more than a two and a half hour movie to bend these people's faith. I happen to agree with this. If your faith is strong, then I would not see any problem for you to be seeing the movie. I actually think its healthy for one's faith to be open to these kinds of theories, however implausible they might be. Those who do not want to see the movie because it might corrupt them, in my opinion, are just religious hypochondriacs.

Can I just say that those politicians who are just feeding the fire by asking the movie to be banned are just grandstanding. Personally, I think they don't have anything better to do, so they just the Da Vinci Code wave to get some airtime. The movie has already broken box office records and millions upon millions of movie goers have seen it. So why don't these politicians just go back to more important and pressing issues, rather than waste our time with their non-sensical rants. I did'nt vote to have some useless politician keep me from spending my money to watch a damn movie.

The Godfather

Yesterday, I attended my godson's christening and I was made a Godfather for the 3rd time now. 22 years old and I already have 3 godchildren! Somebody help me...Being a godfather is no joke. There's that customary birthday and Christmas gift you're already tied to give all the rest of your life. Its funny when the priest said yesterday that being a godparent isnt all about giving presents during special occasions. I damn near bit my lip just to hold back the laughter. He said that being a godparent means setting an example and being a model for your godchild to emulate. Being a godparent means being ready to accept the responsibility of helping your godson grow up to be a good citizen and God-fearing individual. May God have mercy on my godchildren if they grow up just like me. I don't want to be that model godparent who's all preachy and shit. I'm not ready to provide worldly advice to my godchildren, heck I can't even give good advice to myself. They probably wouldnt need my help for now, seeing as none of my godchildren are over the age of 10 at the moment. But I guess i'm gonna have to make ready. When that time comes, i'd rather be the Marlon Brando type of Godfather.

In A Nutshell - Chapter 1

This is me in a nutshell. I'm 22 years old, but I feel like i'm 30. I worry about things people my age don't necessarily worry about at the moment - how much money do I have in my bank account, will I ever get married, did I forget to turn off the lights when I left the house. I work as a Brand Assistant in the Marketing department of a reputable company. While I can say that the job I have is ok, its not great. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I have a job. How many newbies out there even hold a job that they studied 4 years for in college? What I'm saying is that I'm not satisfied. I believe that something great is ahead of me.

As I get older physically, I've discovered myself to have developed a kind of restless streak. I want to do a lot of things with my life -put up a business, see the world, experience new things, meet people. Something I was not able to do much of given my structured lifestyle. There are times when I'm sitting at my desk then I just think out loud to myself, "What am I doing here?". Then for 5 seconds, I try to muster up the courage to drop everything I'm holding and just leave. Then it dissipates. It suddenly hits me - I just can't do it. I'm 22 years old and I feel chained!

Prologue : I Have A Disease

"I suffer from Quarterlife Crisis". I've read somewhere that the first step to curing a disease is by admitting that you are suffering from a disease in the first place. There, i've said it, and i'll say it once more for good measure - "I suffer from Quarterlife Crisis". How do I know I have it? I have all the symptoms - Feelings of inadequacy from my current state, believing that there is a better life for me than what i'm living right now, feelings of alienation from my peers, among others.

I'm treating this blog as my therapy, my prescription drug, and my shock treatment all rolled into a neat little package. There are only two possible outcomes that can happen - one is that i'll get out of this rut, and find my redemption, the other is that i'll further sink into depression, and have to make friends with a good psychiatrist. Hey, i'm all for self-therapy at the moment.

This blog is an account of my journey to get through this phase. Call it a mildly psychotic person's travellog. I'm going to immerse myself in experiences that might help me or unnerve me, either way, at least i'm gonna try.

Now, i'm pretty sure that i'm not the only one suffering from this. I know of friends and friends of friends who have the same condition, but don't know they have it. If you're a quarterlifer like me, and you happen to stumble upon this blog...then stick around. Maybe this could also turn into a group therapy session.