CONFESSIONS OF AN ASPIRING ALCOHOLIC

If you've had the pleasure of joining me on one of my "drinking" sessions, you would know that i'm the type of person who could never...EVER hold his liquor. As much as I would want to be discreet about drinking, alas, my body betrays me. When I drink, numerous chemical reactions take place inside of me that would reveal to the world that alcohol and me would never be confused as a couple. The tragic part of it is that these reactions take place even before I finish a bottle of beer or a glass of wine!

The first chemical reaction that takes place in my body is that I turn red...literally. My face never fails to put on a show and display all the shades of red everytime I take a swig of alcohol, eliciting responses of fear, bewilderment, and curiosity from onlookers. This never fails, from a light salmon hue, to a rich crimson tinge, down to a deep burgundy tone - name any red shade, and I've pretty much experienced changing into that color during one of my alcoholic binges.

The second chemical reaction that takes place is that I burn up. My body temperature suddenly shoots through the roof, as if to prove that Spontaneous Human Combustion could indeed be possible. I've had my share of drinking buddies dousing me with ice cold water over my head or placing wet tissues on my forehead, out of fear that I might suddenly burst aflame in the middle of a conversation.

The third chemical reaction that takes place, and for the record, this is true - my armpits itch terribly! I don't know what causes this phenomena, and if you could enlighten me as to why this happens, I would greatly appreciate it. It just itches bad. And people, this is not the superficial itch where you can actually see the welts and swelling. My itch seems to emanate from inside my body, working its way outwards.

The fourth chemical reaction is that an uncontrollable fit of the giggles takes place. No, this isn't the "I just smoked something" type of laughter. Its more of the "Let's play in the park", excited, high-pitched, girlie laugh. Whenever this happens, I'm often reduced to tears brought about by stomach cramps from non-stop giggling, with a matching "Please make it stop" statement to boot. I'm not too proud of this one, folks.

The fifth chemical reaction is my favorite. I've proven that alcohol does indeed loosen the tongue. However in my case, loosening of the tongue is an understatement! My tongue takes on a mind of its own! Scarlet faces, fevers, armpit itches, and girlie laughters aside, I become a full-pledged lothario when imbued with the powers of alcohol. I'm calm, collected, smooth, and suave! I would go far as to say that I like my drunken personality better than my sober one!

Just because of the first 4 reasons, I can say that I could never pick up the habit of being a raging alcoholic. Alcoholics Anonymous would probably reject my application and ask me never to attend any of the meetings. Then again, my body would probably turn on me first, by either scratching itself to death or turning into an irreversible prune color, before it would allow me to fall off the wagon.