When I Grow Up, I Want to Be...

I used to have all of these ambitions when I was a kid, of jobs I wanted to have when I grew up. My ambitions ranged from being a street-sweeper, to becoming a magician, to being the Neil Armstrong of the Philippine Islands. Fast forward to a few years later, reality has finally sunken it. Here I am, in a profession people label as "safe", brought about by a working, middle class syndrome that we should have secure jobs. Why can't a job be fun for a change? A friend asked me to enumerate the professions that I would want to have, that probably won't make me feel that what i'm doing is work. Here it is, Pam. Some of them may be insane and you might ask me afterwards what kind of an acid trip i'm on. However, there are professions in this list that I'm actually interested in pursuing, given the right time.

1. Food Critic - Wouldn't it be a blast to eat for a living? I dream of days when I won't have to pay for dinner at an upscale restaurant, where restaurant owners and chefs would be shaking at the knees when you step into their establishments, where waiters would be literally throwing themselves at your feet, all for the name of service and a good recommendation.

2. Archaeologist - I remember reading a lot of dinosaur books growing up. I used to remember the names of the different dinosaurs, and one of my favorite things to do to pass the time was to dig holes in our garden and look for "bones". When I was applying for a college, I was even tempted to enroll in Anthropology to get my archaeology career started.

3. Personal Assistant to a Hollywood Celebrity - I've read stories of the exclusivity and luxury this profession offers. The private planes, the 5-star hotels, the island getaways, the swag bags of free stuff! All of this just to manage the pill-popping, cosmetic-surgery driven lives of Hollywood celebs. Heck, i'll take being Jessica Alba's personal slave any time of the day!

4. Chef - I always planned on taking courses on becoming a chef. I even took an introductory cooking class a few years back. Somehow, whenever I think of professions that I know I could do, being a chef always comes up at the top of my list. I guess its time for me to take the initiative and actually give the culinary arts a shot? I think I can give Anthony Bourdain and Gordon Ramsay a run for their money!

5. Musician / Actor - I always believed that I had the potential to become a better actor / musician than half of the people we call "artistas" on TV today. If only some talent scout would spot me while walking around and offered me a job. But then again, don't we all think like this? I personallly think that these actors have it easy. Money is easy and big, and you can't complain that the work is stressful. Now its the musicians who have to at least possess a miniscule amount of talent. They have it a bit harder.

6. Travel Journalist - Having a job that entails having to travel to the ends of the Earth, immersing oneself in new cultures, and soaking oneself in the sights is the ultimate profession for me! If writing is going to help me become a travel journalist, then i'm going to keep churning out these articles til someone takes notice!

7. Sommelier - You know that you're in a different level when your profession requires you to taste an array of wines everyday, from the Napa Valley to the Bordeaux variety. Armed with your trusty spit bucket, you waft and swirl intoxicating spirits away until you drop. If my customers can stand the sight of seeing a sommelier that turns beet red at the sight of alchohol and develops an armpit itch when he's had too much to drink, then I'm all for being a sommelier.

8. Futurist / Trend Watcher - I've seen a program on Discovery Channel where the sole job of this particular department at Samsung was to predict how people will live their lives 10-15 years from now, hence the term "futurist". Wouldn't it be great to daydream and think fantastic thoughts from 9 to 5?

9. Zoologist - I enjoy being in the company of animals, I live and work with them everyday. But seriously, I dreamed of being a zoologist during my formative years, brought about by watching too much National Geographic. And I did get good grades when I took up introductory Zoology and Botany classes in college. I think I would make a good Crocodile Hunter! Crikey!

10. Athlete - Why didn't I take up tennis when I was a kid? Or any sport for that matter. I envy people, athletes specifically, who earn huge amounts from winning competitions and having endorsement deals, and some of them haven't even broken into their 20's yet! If only I knew back then that there was money in sports, I would have asked my parents to enroll me in all of these summer sports classes that were the craze years back.

11. Private Banker - Do you know that there is a shortage of private bankers in the world, given that millionaires are steadily increasing! Hell, lets all take private banking lessons! This might actually work for me, with this set-up, instead of stressing over my own money (which I have very little of, by the way), I get to play with the millions these snotty people we call the affluents have.

12. Eventologist - 10 years ago, nobody would have ever believed you if you said that you planned parties for a living. Today, everyone seems to be an eventologist. Heck, the word eventologist doesn't even exist, its just some person's attempt at being Don King. Whatever term we come up with for people who did this for a living, it would still be damn cool to earn while you partied hard.

13. Pro-Wrestler - I've been watching wrestling since I was a wee lad, and I can't help but be amazed at the athleticism and charisma of these "athletes". And yes, I did dream of becoming the next Hulk Hogan or Undertaker at some point in my life. Now that i'm an adult, its clear to me that wrestling is "fake" to a certain extent and that pure-bred Filipinos are not genetically born to be wrestlers.

Of Malls and Men

Whenever the weekend rolls around, it can only mean 1 thing for me and my family...time to pay our friendly neighborhod mall, Glorietta, a visit. You see, we are your typical, week-end mall- going family. We are part of the statistic that claims malling is the favorite pasttime of Filipinos. Next to our house, we've probably logged the most hours in the mall, doing everything and nothing. I was reared early at being a mall rat. My earliest memories of childhood was going to SM Supermarket in Makati every other Saturday. I would behave back then, because behaving meant that my parents would buy me Goldilock's flavored popcorn afterwards. Somehow, this habit stuck, as I to this day, continue to accompany my parents to the supermarket, which has since been replaced by Landmark, even eventually Rustan's, and my reward for being good has been upgraded from flavored popcorn. Hah!

We may have occasional flings with other malls like Podium or the Powerplant, but in the end, we always end up going back to the mall we love best, Glorietta. For some unverified reason, we always feel that this mall is the most complete establishment we have ever been to. Our week is never complete without dropping by the mall, even if for a few hours, as if doing some catching up with a really close friend. We've seen hundreds of stores come and go. We've witnessed countless renovations, participated in useless promotions (and won nothing), elbowed our way to midnight sales, and predicted the lifespan of retail outlets.

I am a self-professed Glorietta rat, I always to brag to people I know that I can give you a walking tour of Glorietta with my eyes closed. You can even make me walk backwards! If ever Ayala Center decides to launch a tour program, I should be made an honorary tour guide. I practically grew up with Glorietta. Glorietta is the big sister I never had (I'm assuming the mall is a she, cause she's named Glorietta). Being in Glorietta gives me peace and a feeling of security that I even park my car within its premises and commute to work everyday. I describe the feeling as the same emotion you feel when you're at home. In a given week, I would be stepping into the mall's premises 6 days out of 7. But i've rambled on too long about this seemingly trivial topic. I've already revealed to everyone that I am poster-child for malling. This habit, i'm probably never going to be able to quit. In fact, after I publish this post, i'm off to the mall.

I Was (probably am) An Evil Person

The title alone gives it away. I am an evil person, or at least used to be one in my youth. How evil? I would describe myself to be as evil as the kid from the Omen movies, minus being born from a hyena. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a penchant for murdering the people I know (although I almost succeeded at one point), but i've done my share of evil deeds enough to merit growing horns, and springing a forked tail. Now at the time of the occurence of these dark events, I'm pretty sure that I never really meant doing any of those things to anyone. It was just a result of having too much energy and watching too much television. However, looking back and processing some of the things i've done, I could truly say that I was the Devil's Incarnate during my formative years. Here are proofs of my "history of violence"

1. I once whipped a seatbelt right smack into the face of one my schoolmates during my preparatory years. I pretty much busted his lip wide open after that altercation. The reason for my outburst - He called me the bus driver's pet.

2. During numerous times when I was in kindergarten, I cursed the school bus driver a number of times using variations of "You're a fat pig" right to his face.

3. My favorite pastime was pelting the neighbor's front gate with stones. This would cause a reverberating noise to echo into my neighbor's house. When this neighbor came out to see what was causing the racket, I hid in the bushes laughing.

4. I once pushed a classmate of mine down two flights of stairs for teasing me. This was the first time I was afraid that I killed someone. Luckily, he neither died nor suffered any serious injuries. My teacher naturally got angry and wrote a note for my parents. I ended up forging my parent's signature as well.

5. I once punched a man pretending to be a monster when I rode the "Horror Train" during a school fair. He scared me and my natural instinct was to punch away. Whether or not I broke the man's nose, I wouldn't know. But I'm pretty sure I made him bleed.

6. I tried smoking at an early age of 7 by picking up the still smoldering cigarette butts my father threw away after he was through. I know this was disgusting, but I must admit that it was ballsy for me to do it back then.

7. I once was a master at lying through my teeth. I remember lying to people countless times and they would buy it because I always had an innocent, would do no harm look all throughout my youth.

8. I used to pretend to be someone else's child in school. I clung on to the skirts of walking women or talked to accompanied children I didn't knew, in order to get past school security who wouldn't let you leave the premises unaccompanied by an adult.

9. I fractured my brother's arm when were little kids during our wrestling sessions. Its not that I broke his arm that was evil, it was telling my parents that he broke it because he slipped and landed on his hand that was just plain bad.

These are just some of the "evil" things I did in my youth. I know that they're not as murderous as setting our house on fire, or decapitating someone's head clean off, but I'm sure that they're listed in some higher power's book (I used to enumerate my sins when I was young and tell myself that they're listed in God's sin book, whatever that was.). I remember doing more evil deeds when I was young like stealing money from my dad's wallet while he snored, hiding my cousin's toys so I could bring them home later, or making my mother cry by telling her not to mess with my life and saying to her that she's just my mother (brought about by watching too many soaps when I was small). But this is already beside the point that I was real, bad kid growing up. How I outgrew my evil streak, I wouldn't really know. My guess is that its still in me, lying dormant somewhere, just needing the perfect flashpoint to manifest itself once again.

Office Jargon

I've been working in my current company for 7 months. Now if you've been working this long (or short, whichever way one sees it) you're bound to pick up on commonly used workplace jargon. The kicker is that you ultimately begin to adopt some of the terms you hear and regularly use it even in non-work related conversations. I'm going to shed some light into some of my favorite office jargon. I'm going to give the meanings behind the terms, as well as their applications.

1. Flag (Verb) - This is not the flag that you hang out in front of your house and wave about during Independence Day. To "flag" somebody is to let someone know about your future actions or next steps. This is more of like giving a heads up to someone that something is going to happen them in the near future that they must be ready for.
BUSINESS APPLICATION: "Kindly flag our suppliers that we are going to place an order with them for merchandising materials within 2 months time."
NON-WORK CONVERSATION: "I just want to flag you that i'm going to kill you if ever you're late for our dinner plans tonight!"

2. Direct Reports (Noun) - Sounds very important, doesn't it? A direct report is someone who is a few rungs below you in the organizational structure of the workplace. Also see "subordinate"
BUSINESS APPLICATION: "Please relay to your direct reports that their overtime pay will be withheld from them this month due to a shortage of company funds."
NON-WORK CONVERSATION: "Mom, could you please tell our direct reports that i've run out of fresh underwear in my drawer."

3. Junket (Noun) - To go on a junket is to go on an all-expense trip to another country or have a lunch/dinner meeting in an upscale restaurant, all paid for by company credit. While the objective of these extravagant rendezvous may be strictly business at first, it eventually boils down to a perfect excuse for a much needed respite from the daily grind.
BUSINESS APPLICATION: "You better make sure that your trip to Spain won't turn out to be a junket. I'm expecting a report from you once you come back."
NON-WORK CONVERSATION: "Dad, can I have some money? I'm planning to go on a junket tour of the Caribbean Islands."

4. Cascade (Verb) - In normal terms, a cascade is described as the flow of water from a source, such as a breathtaking drop from a waterfall, or a raging surge brought about by a tsunami. In business language, to cascade is to inform people, usually direct reports, of goings on in the company. To cascade something is to inform someone of things that have already happened or are in the process of happening. Not to be confused with "flag".
BUSINESS APPLICATION: "The purpose of this cascade is to let everone know that you are going to be let go of your jobs. We are currently in the process of consolidating our operations."
NON-WORK CONVERSATION: "I would like to cascade to you that I want to break up with you. You're simply too much of a pain in the ass to have a relationship with."

CONFESSIONS OF AN ASPIRING ALCOHOLIC

If you've had the pleasure of joining me on one of my "drinking" sessions, you would know that i'm the type of person who could never...EVER hold his liquor. As much as I would want to be discreet about drinking, alas, my body betrays me. When I drink, numerous chemical reactions take place inside of me that would reveal to the world that alcohol and me would never be confused as a couple. The tragic part of it is that these reactions take place even before I finish a bottle of beer or a glass of wine!

The first chemical reaction that takes place in my body is that I turn red...literally. My face never fails to put on a show and display all the shades of red everytime I take a swig of alcohol, eliciting responses of fear, bewilderment, and curiosity from onlookers. This never fails, from a light salmon hue, to a rich crimson tinge, down to a deep burgundy tone - name any red shade, and I've pretty much experienced changing into that color during one of my alcoholic binges.

The second chemical reaction that takes place is that I burn up. My body temperature suddenly shoots through the roof, as if to prove that Spontaneous Human Combustion could indeed be possible. I've had my share of drinking buddies dousing me with ice cold water over my head or placing wet tissues on my forehead, out of fear that I might suddenly burst aflame in the middle of a conversation.

The third chemical reaction that takes place, and for the record, this is true - my armpits itch terribly! I don't know what causes this phenomena, and if you could enlighten me as to why this happens, I would greatly appreciate it. It just itches bad. And people, this is not the superficial itch where you can actually see the welts and swelling. My itch seems to emanate from inside my body, working its way outwards.

The fourth chemical reaction is that an uncontrollable fit of the giggles takes place. No, this isn't the "I just smoked something" type of laughter. Its more of the "Let's play in the park", excited, high-pitched, girlie laugh. Whenever this happens, I'm often reduced to tears brought about by stomach cramps from non-stop giggling, with a matching "Please make it stop" statement to boot. I'm not too proud of this one, folks.

The fifth chemical reaction is my favorite. I've proven that alcohol does indeed loosen the tongue. However in my case, loosening of the tongue is an understatement! My tongue takes on a mind of its own! Scarlet faces, fevers, armpit itches, and girlie laughters aside, I become a full-pledged lothario when imbued with the powers of alcohol. I'm calm, collected, smooth, and suave! I would go far as to say that I like my drunken personality better than my sober one!

Just because of the first 4 reasons, I can say that I could never pick up the habit of being a raging alcoholic. Alcoholics Anonymous would probably reject my application and ask me never to attend any of the meetings. Then again, my body would probably turn on me first, by either scratching itself to death or turning into an irreversible prune color, before it would allow me to fall off the wagon.

I'm back. My first post of August. I have nothing in particular to write about. So i'm just going to empty my brain of unnecessary thoughts. I feel busy, though in reality, i'm really not. I'm anticipating events that will be bound to keep me busy in the days to come, and the mere thought of it stresses me out and makes me feel busy. Can someone explain this phenomena to me?

I'm genuinely surprised that I can last a whole week without really doing anything for work. I've done a few things like made concept statements, specified product requirements, drafted product briefs, and other stuff like that. But the truth is, I can churn out this amount of work in half a day. I don't need 2 days to finish all of these tasks.

I'm excited for something right now. Though its sort of a long-shot, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I feel that something good is going to happen to me in the coming days, I just can't pinpoint exactly what it is.

I hate it when people talk too much about things and about themselves. I know of persons who enjoy over-explaining things just to assure themselves that they're intellectually superior than the other. On the other hand, this makes the person being explained to, feel like he's the dumbest person on Earth.